


Weak

by kooili



Series: Weak in the Presence of Beauty [1]
Category: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Genre: Angst, F/F, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-02-06 02:02:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12807198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kooili/pseuds/kooili
Summary: Can they survive on a purely physical relationship?





	Weak

“Come on Sara, it’ll be fun.”

“I don’t know Warrick… I’m tired and I just want to go home. It’s been a long shift.”

The excuse is limp but I’m not in the mood for company.

He stares at me with that look that says he’s not going to let me off easy.

“You need to let loose and just relax. We’ve missed have you around this past month, Sara. Besides, it’s Nick’s birthday and he’ll be so disappointed if you didn’t turn up.”

I am about to give another one of my excuses on reflex but something in my head tells me that he is right. The last thing I need is to go home to an empty apartment with nothing more than my depressing thoughts in tow.  I have been doing that for the last few weeks, hoping that time would heal. Truth is, it hasn’t got any better. Lately, I’ve even needed a drink or two to blur things enough so I could fall asleep.

“Okay. I’ll come.”

His face lights up victoriously.

“Do you need a ride?”

“No. I have something to do before that. I’ll meet you guys at the bar.” I want to be able to make my excuses and leave early, just in case.

“Catch you later.” He leaves the break room and I turn my attention back to the file I was reading. But something else distracts my mind. Catherine.

**********************************

I have just spent the last month of my life trying to get over the only person I’ve ever let myself fall in love with. Only trouble was it was nothing more than a fling to her. She had succinctly told me that it was physical attraction and nothing more. After all, she could not risk her career and family by getting involved in such an unconventional relationship, least of all with a co-worker. We agreed to this from the beginning but something changed. Or perhaps I changed and try as hard as I may, I couldn’t quench the need for something more out of our tryst. Being secretly in love with her for last four years didn’t make it easier not to slip down that slope.

_Oh it’s a long time since I saw you_

_Well you know how time can fly_

_It seems like yesterday, we were lovers_

_Now we pass each other by_

We had been seeing each, hell, fucking each other for the last six months and Catherine was starting to sense that I was pushing for something more. It could be the way I didn’t want to leave quietly after the act or insisted she spent the night instead of slipping out of my door fifteen minutes after the sex.

“Stay with me tonight.”

Her blonde head drops a little and I can hear her sigh even though I can’t really see her expression in the semi-darkened room.

“No. We’ve been through this before, Sara.”

My heart drops even though I had expected her to give me that answer. I have been working up the courage to tell her how I feel and tonight’s the night.

“What’s wrong with giving us a chance to work out?”

“Because there is no possibility of an us,” she answers flatly.

“There is to me,” I say softly.

She turns towards me, her blue eyes flashing with emotion, almost demanding that I explain myself. And I do.

“I’ve tried so hard and there were days when I thought that I could. Catherine, you mean more to me than just a physical attraction and a quick fuck. I want it to be more.” My voice stammers in time with my pounding heart and before I can say the next word, she cuts me off. This time her voice is angry, tinged with disappointment.

“Damn it Sara. We agreed right from the beginning that there were going to be no strings attached, no obligations and most importantly no emotions involved in our arrangement. That was what I wanted. You knew that.”

Arrangement. Another cut to my heart.

I am torn apart inside but I manage to hold my tears. There has to be something said for being instinctively stoic as a CSI.

“Then I guess I can’t give you what you want anymore.” It’s a lie but that's the best I can do. How can I tell her that I was in love with her before we even started?

She finally turns to face me with eyes that are steel hard and cold.

“Then this isn’t going to work. We can’t see each other anymore.”

I don’t know what to say. If only I could stop the tears from blurring up my vision, maybe I’d be able to try, but that’s impossible right now. She finishes dressing and stops briefly at the bedroom door before leaving.

“See you at work.”

Just like that, she’s gone. And all I can do is to curl up into a ball and attempt to control the sobs wracking through my body.

****************************************

_But if we`re left alone tonight_

_Don`t ask me to hold you tight_

_I go weak, I go weak, I go weak, I go weak_

_Weak in the presence of beauty_

 

I tried to lose myself in work as usual and pretend nothing had happened. No one at work knew about us of course and the only thing they noticed was that I was keeping to myself even more than usual. After a week, I knew I was kidding myself. I couldn’t bear to see her and pretend as if everything was okay. Even if she had no such difficulties. So far I have just about managed to keep myself together by avoiding being with her alone. Then, Grissom assigned us to work a case together.

I still remember being in the car on the way to the crime scene. She was driving and I was trying my best not to lose it all by saying something stupid. The air was thick with tension and after a few attempts to make light conversation, she gave up. I think she knew the reason for my silence and sullenness but chose not to go anywhere near the subject.

By the time we got back to the lab, I was emotionally drained from the conflicting feelings and holding up the pretence. I hated her and yearned for her at the same time. I didn’t want to see her but I need to be near her.

At the end of shift, I submitted the request for a month’s leave to Grissom. Thank god for my workaholic tendencies of days past.

******************************************************

“Hey, Sara. Over here.”

I see that Warrick, Nick and Greg have truly settled into the celebratory mood by the time I enter the bar. Grissom is nowhere to be seen but I guess that bars aren’t exactly his scene. And did I mention that the only reason I had even considered coming was that it’s Catherine’s night off? If I know anything about her, it is that the last thing she would do on her day off is to spend it in a bar with her colleagues rather than with Lindsey.

A bottle of beer is shoved into my hand before I can even sit down properly. I take a long swig and lose myself in the conversation and camaraderie. Warrick is right. This little outing is doing me good and for the first time in weeks, I am actually laughing. Never mind that the beer and the mood of the moment is all there is to it. It feels good to laugh and forget about my problems, even for just a few hours.

Greg is in the middle of telling us one of his jokes when Warrick gets up from his seat.

“Cath, what took you so long? You have some serious catching up to do.”

My head spins around so fast I’m sure my neck will ache later. Shit.

“I had to get Lindsey over to my sister’s place first. What did I miss?”

Nick grins in reply, “Nothing much except Greg’s bad jokes.”

Greg responds by punching Nick on the shoulder and rolling his eyes.

I feel very sober all of a sudden and for some strange reason, nervous. The conversation flows again but I have lost the ability to do anything more than sit there and pretend to listen.

 

_All my friends keep asking_

_Why I`m quiet while you`re around_

_They don`t know I think I`m so lucky_

_To stop myself from falling down_

 

“Sara, what do you think?”

It takes a moment to snap out of my reverie. I realise that I have absolutely no idea of what Nick is asking me.

“Think about what?”

He groans slightly, “Man, you weren’t even listening to me…” Fortunately, he is inebriated enough not to ask why and directs the question towards Greg instead. I am stone cold sober by now. I started drinking coffee about ten minutes after Catherine joined us because that was all the time it took for me to realise that I can’t be here.

Thankfully for me, the guys are too buzzed to notice. Even Catherine is flushed from the alcohol. Time for me to make my excuses and slip away.

 

_So later if you`re on your own_

_Don`t ask me to take you home_

_I go weak, I go weak, I go weak, I go weak_

_Weak in the presence of beauty_

 

“Listen guys, I’m going to cut out now. Enjoy yourselves.”

The tension was bearable under the buzz of alcohol but now that it has faded, I just want to get out of here as fast as I can.

“Wait, Sara.” Even half-drunk, the sound of her voice calling my name is beautiful.

“Can you give me a ride home? I don’t think I can drive and they are even worse off than me.”

“Yeah, you give Cath a ride home. I don’t think we’ll be leaving anytime soon.” Nick winks and smiles at us before returning to his beer.

“Sure.”

I am telling myself that I am doing the polite thing but deep down inside, I know that I just want to be near to her.

 

_Cause if we're left alone tonight_

_I’ll have no choice_

_But to hold you tight_

_I go weak, I go weak, I go weak, I go weak_

_Weak in the presence of beauty_

 

The drive to her house is short as the traffic is unexpectedly light tonight. She has her eyes closed but I know she is still awake because she is humming softly to the radio. I pull up outside her driveway, like I have so many times in the past.

“Catherine, we’re here.”

Her eyelids flutter open and I can see that her eyes are a deeper blue than usual.

“Thanks,” she mumbles as she reaches for the door handle. She slips as she tries to open the door, not quite succeeding the first time. She manages on the next attempt and practically falls out of the car and stumbles towards the front door. I get a vague wave of thanks and every instinct is telling me to start the engine and leave.

I don't. And I can't immediately only because my eyes are still glued to her. The alcohol is playing havoc with her dexterity it seems because she drops her bag a couple of times fumbling for her keys. After she fails for the third time, I get out of the car and walk towards her.

“Here, let me.” I take the bag out of her grasp.

She’s too far gone to protest and instead drops her forehead onto my shoulder for support. My breath hitches at the sensation of her breath on my bare skin and I inadvertently snake an arm around her waist to keep her steady. She leans more heavily against me and I am virtually the only thing holding her up at the moment.

I find the keys in less than ten seconds and open the front door. She lifts her head from my body but stills my arm from moving when I start to let go.

“Stay with me tonight,” she breathes huskily into my ear.

The voice, the whisper of warm breath sends a familiar tingle down my spine. I want nothing more than to give in just for one more night. But I know that if there is to be the slightest chance for my salvation, tonight cannot end like this.

 

_I go weak - Darling I love you_

_I go weak - There's no control_

_I go weak - I go weak, Weak in the presence of beauty_

_I go weak – You’re my world_

_I go weak - I used to be your girl_

_I go weak - I go weak, Weak in the presence of beauty_

 

“It’s late. I’ve got to go.” I muster as much determination into my voice as I can. My answer seems to bring a little lucidity back to her senses. She moves away from me and steadies herself against the doorframe.

I see a little surprise and hurt in her eyes. Something I’ve never seen before in all our time together. I don’t know how to interpret this reaction but it doesn’t matter anymore.

“Goodnight Catherine.”

And that's how I leave her, standing at the door. It feels good to be strong again.

**Author's Note:**

> Song referenced is this...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzeRdzRSL8o


End file.
